On purpose

I’ve put myself through some rough days and nights lately. Between Friday and Saturday, I put myself up to the challenge of walking 110 kilometers in under 24 hours. Starting Friday evening, I was supposed to walk for almost 24 hours. I lasted roughly 8, and came 38 kilometers on my way. There were a bunch of lessons in that for me, all of which I’ll unpack later on.

On top of that, I couldn’t sleep this night. Something that hasn’t happened to me ever, not that I can remember. To be perfectly honest, not being able to sleep isn’t a fair description as I played a huge part in it myself. I know that if I get in to it, I can sleep almost anytime anywhere. Last night, I didn’t want to go to sleep. So instead I watched a bunch of movies and series instead. All night.

Now, these two events, among other small nudges in the pas couple of weeks, brought me to an important insight that I’ve carried with me for quite some time yet refused to fully take in.

I’m all lost without purpose right now.

I’ve had a couple of strong callings in the past, and some smaller ones as well. For a very long time, football was my main focus. Then school. And Magic the Gathering. I’ve had a couple of girlfriends that have served as the center of my attention.

Right now, I’ve got nothing. Squat. Nada. Absolutely nothing that keeps me up at night (yes, I see the irony).

The plan was to have a job in India right now, and that served as a lighthouse for some time. But not anymore.

Realising what that does to a person, the lack of meaning, is a powerful insight. I realise now what the last months have been about. I see the struggles I’ve had in a new light. Understand some strange behaviours.

It’s a horrible feeling not having purpose and not knowing. At least for me it is, and I think for most people it is.

But knowing, it’s a completely different thing. Now I can take responsibility if I want to. I can operate from that place. I can do things that will spark enough purpose in me to trick myself off the bench. I can discover opportunities.

No purpose is opportunity.