Giving people what they want to be able to give them what they need.

Tony Robbins said the following:

First, I’ve got to give them what they want, to then give them what they need.

I never really took that to heart, I didn’t quite understand what it meant. Until a couple of weeks ago, when it became crystal clear to me what it meant. I’ll try to illustrate it with two examples.

A couple of years ago, I had a girlfriend that wanted me to show her sympathy when she was complaining about something being hard or against her. I’ve always been more prone to empathising rather than sympathising. And at times, I’ve been guilty of doing the same thing most men and guys do: I tried solving the problems instead of listening to my girlfriend.

What I realised now is that if I would’ve actually given her what she wanted, some sympathy and just listened to her, she’d been more prone to take in the empathy or the actual solution afterwards. Giving her what she wanted, to then giving her what she, at least scientifically she’d feel better from, needed.

The other situation where I realised this had been working in my favour was in my career. I’ll take one of my clients as an example.

This client got in touch saying that he wanted someone to edit his podcast as well as doing some light assistant work for him. Scanning and administrating receipts and so on. That’s what he wanted, and that’s why he hired me.

Now, almost a year later, I’m doing a whole bunch of other things. I’m looking after his social media accounts, because we realised that he was paying no attention to them. We’re working on a project together as equals, where we’re going to write a book together with another client. I’ve been driving garbage to the recycling station. And so on. All of those things, he didn’t know he wanted, but he needed them.

The importance in the quote has become twofold for me, depending on the situation.

In relationships, giving people what they want to then be able to give them what they need is a way of getting closer to them. If someone wants cheering up, give it to them. And then help them solving whatever it is they need cheering up about. That way, you’ll be able to build a relationship with them.

In business, it’s an extremely useful way of getting one foot in the door. Giving someone what they want, they are in gratitude. When they’re in gratitude, you’ll be able to sneak in things that they need, but might not even know that they need. It’s an extremely useful way of getting closer to clients, and solving problems for them.

Lastly, I want to end with a note of caution. You might not know what someone else needs. If you’re ever too sure about what other people need, or even worse, you’re sure everyone needs something, take a step back and reflect on it. Not everyone needs what you have to offer, and that’s fine.