First be, then structure.
In my latest relationship, we had some arguments. The most common one was around my need of structure and frames. I need, and had a greater need at the time, for rules, clear structures and frameworks. The consequence of that was an endless need to make things in to projects, as that’s an easy way to bring order in to chaos. Making a relationship in to a project might not be the most romantic thing one can do, but it is quite practical. That way, I’d know that I wouldn’t miss small things between the two of us.
The problem at the time was how I approached structure, which is how most people approach structure: we put it first. Structure is a tool: to be applied on to life. First you be, then you apply structure.
In order to do that, you need to get to know yourself. Your quirks and needs. Your motives and drives. You need to know who you are, how you work and how you want to work.
When most of us apply structure, we take advise from some of the best at structure. We apply GTD-frameworks, use someone else’s standards for our workouts or use the pre-made IKEA storage solutions.
At times that work. Because if you create a framework broad enough, it’s going to work for some people. Just as if you make clothes that look “normal” enough, you’ll have buyers for them. But they might not work for you, as your needs probably are special.
My mother and her husband has bought those pre-made storage solutions several times. None of them work, as they’re both way to fluctuant to actually stick to the systems. For my father on the other hand, they’re marvellous. He sticks to them, and enjoy not having to think of the whole solution himself.
When we do apply structure and order, we need to do so after we know who we are. If we are first hand, and then structure, we’re sure to know that the structures are adjusted for our own needs. That’s the way we know that we’re going to keep to it.
My girlfriend and I broke up. I had structures that weren’t suited for both our needs. They were the pre-made IKEA type of structures, and she just wasn’t the kind of person that could stick to those systems.
